Good enough

while doing a truly epic clean of our house today, I was thinking about that thing people say; “oh no girl will ever be good enough for him”! I get this version because I have a boy, but the female version is something like “oh you better have your shotgun loaded”. These statements are always said with a laugh, and I’m aware that mostly they’re just a joke; they’re one of those things you say when you aren’t sure what else to say, and you know what, I’m sure I’m guilty of saying them. The problem (in my opinion, at this period of time (yes, I’m open to the possibility that my opinion may change haha)) is when this idea that no one will ever be good enough for your child is something that you actually believe and act upon.

I would hope that in the years we have between birth and dating, we would not only teach, but show our children their worth. That they are worth being loved in a real, healthy way. I would hope that J and I will have not only taught our children what real love looks like, but that we show them in the way we treat each other.

Now this brings me to my second issue with this statement; it has a sort of underlying assumption/implication that you, as the parent, are perfect and so no one can compare. I know it will surprise some of you, but I am not perfect. My marriage will not always be a beautiful depiction of true love, and neither will I. You know who else isn’t perfect though, your child! Why should I be expecting my child who isn’t perfect, to find a perfect partner?

Does this make me think that there won’t be some relationships I cringe at, nope. Do I think this will mean they never get their heart broken, unfortunately, no. I think my children will make mistakes, and I think they will have relationships that are less than they deserve (even though I hope not). This doesn’t even mean that I think they will get married and stay that way, maybe it won’t work out that way.

What I do {optimistically} think/hope is that when it comes to serious relationships, they choose someone that loves them in a deep, real way; that supports their dreams; and that makes them the best version of themselves. I do not care what they look like, what gender they are, or what job they have; I only care that they love my child as much as I do; and I think the only way I can help make this happen is to love my child in that same way.

You might not agree, in which case, I would love to hear what you think!

20 weeks – halfway!

Baby is the size of a...mango

Maternity clothes? yes and no. bought amazing maternity jeans. So comfy and flattering, I will probably wear them for years after baby is born haha. shirts are still mostly non-maternity, just getting a bit shorter.

Stretch marks? nope

Sleep: there’s never enough of it, but it’s blissful when I get it. SUPER looking forward to J coming home and getting to sleep in!

Best moment this month: Baby is FINALLY moving. Still not a lot, but enough. It ( I keep wanting to use female pronouns even though we still have a week until we find out if my suspicions are correct) gives one big kick and I love it so much that I wait hours for another one – poking and prodding trying to get more. I can totally feel her it when I push on my belly, which is pretty cool. There are hard bits and then squishy bits, so I can tell exactly where she it is sitting.

Worst moment this month: It’s been a difficult month. Moving + prac + J being gone is just a lot of stress. I’m also really impatient to get this move going – I’m so excited that I just want it to happen; it’s making it difficult to stay focused on prac.

Miss Anything? the answer will always be beer, but we can add wine to that list this month. I would LOVE a glass at the end of a long work day.

Movement: see above. it’s started, just wishing there was more!

Food cravings: nothing specific. (besides beer i guess)

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope

Labor Signs: can’t tell if the occasional uncomfortable belly is braxton hicks or if it’s just the baby laying in an uncomfortable position.

Belly Button in or out? pretty flat at this point

Wedding rings on or off? on, although my diamond is loose again, and I haven’t had time/money to fix it, so I haven’t been able to wear it :( hoping to get it fixed before baby is born.

Symptoms: feeling pretty good! still dizzy sometimes, but no nausea, and my energy is back where it was before being pregnant. My belly feels really heavy (for lack of a better descriptor) this time, and I already sort of waddle sometimes. Baby seems to either lay down really low, so I get bad pain in my tailbone (and waddle), or right up at the top, sideways – very uncomfortable.

Mood: stressed. It’s the final few weeks before all of these stressors come to an end and I’m just holding on for dear life at this point. I’m looking forward to the meltdown/relaxation I’ll be able to have once we get to Brisbane. I’m happy, just impatient. Finally starting to feel a bit more bonded with this baby/pregnancy as well which is really nice; I think I’ve just been too busy and stressed to even really give it much thought until now, and the thoughts I did have time for weren’t terribly pleasant due to a more difficult pregnancy – but rest assured that mommy guilt due to this will haunt me  forever.

Pregnancy dreams? lots of weird, vivid dreams, but only one that I can remember was baby related – I had a baby, but I watched it from far away, like an out of body experience. Then they handed it to the me that was watching and said it was a boy but I was like “nope, can’t be ours then”. Then the baby opened it’s mouth and it was a vampire haha.

Looking forward to: MOVE! the end of this stress. J getting home. Anatomy scan next week (although I’m a bit stressed about it considering what happened at Archer’s)

Next appointment: Anatomy next Wednesday! Then a doc appointment to get our transfer all sent the following Wednesday.

lately…

There hasn’t been any time for anything extra, especially not blogging, but it’s a shame, because I have a lot to say. I keep this blog mostly for myself, as a sort of journal of our life, so I don’t want to miss out on this time. It’s crazy, but that’s exactly why it should be documented…consider yourself warned, this will be long and probably boring…

So we’re 8 weeks in to prac/daycare with 2 weeks to go! Prac started out really great, and I was so enthusiastic about it, but it’s become more of a drain now. It’s not that it’s not great, I think it’s mostly that I have SO much else going on. A lot of it has also been things that I now know that I DON”T want to do; this is great, and exactly what I was hoping prac would do, give me a better idea of the direction I want to head in with this last year of uni and then after graduation; unfortunately, the direction I want to go is sort of opposite to what I’m currently doing. I’m still getting a lot out of my prac, and I’ve worked with some great people, I’m just not wishing it would never end anymore.

Archer is doing so well at school. I love the place so much; he comes home FILTHY every day, and I know that his day is filled with adventure, learning, and love. The only thing I don’t love is that he’s there for about 9 hours everyday. When I sign him out at the end of the day and I have to write a 5pm under the 8am drop off, it hurts my heart; I know that he’s having a great day, but that’s such a long day. That long day also means that I only get to see him for about 3 hours a day; one in the morning, and 2 in the afternoon before bed; I miss him! I’m currently debating whether to put him in daycare one day a week after the move. I think that he’s definitely getting a lot out of school, and even stuff I can’t give him when he’s just at home; I’m woman enough to admit that they do a better job of entertaining him than I do (I mean I don’t think he ever watches a movie or tv there, he does at home more than I like to admit). I also think it would be nice for him to have that space when the baby comes…anyone have any thoughts on this?

We’re at that awkward stage of moving where it’s too soon to really start packing/cleaning, but it’s looming over me and stressing me out. Can’t wait to go into a full cyclonic moving mania. Still waiting to pick a house, so I check DHA every 10 minutes because I don’t want to miss one of the great houses they’ve told me will become available “this week or next”; don’t they know that they’ve now set off my crazy obsessing self?

J has been sent out field for the final time (no field during his 18mth course!!!!!!!!!!!). It’s just 2 weeks, but it feels endless; I value his extra set of hands so much. I also miss having someone to vent all my crazy thoughts and frustrations to; my poor mother has had to fill that void, and I’m pretty sure she’ll be presenting J with some sort of medal when she next sees him. This field trip is exciting though because it’s like a goodbye to artillery. We’re finally off to pursue what J actually wants to do, and I’m so excited for and proud of him!

Baby is still in there. It sometimes moves, not much though, but at least it’s something. I’m already starting to get uncomfortable; really stiff, exhausted, and my belly feels so heavy – this does not bode well since we’re only half way’ my guess is that the toddler is what’s making the difference since I don’t remember this so soon with Archer. Archer tries to feed the baby by holding food towards my belly and then clicking like he does when he’s trying to lure an animal with food – highly amusing.

Ok, that’s it I’ll finally shut up now. Here’s hoping I don’t lose my shizz in the next two weeks as all the stress of the last few months comes to a head. I’m trying to juggle SO many balls, and I just need to hold on for a few more weeks and then I can put most of them down – I can’t wait!

16 weeks

SONY DSC SONY DSC

Baby is the size of an…avocado

Maternity clothes? shorts are all too tight, but I’m making due with rubber band tricks. getting creative with work clothes too, I refuse to buy stuff when I only have 5 more weeks to go. I did buy some winter maternity clothes for when we move

Stretch marks? nope

Sleep: excellent, falling asleep quickly, and mostly staying asleep

Best moment this month: Good month! We got our date to move – mid June, so just waiting to pick a house now. Prac has been good – a bit boring at times, which is frustrating, but when I’m actually doing stuff, it’s great. Archer’s loving school. ‘watching’ mum & st’ad compete in their first Ironman triathlon was also a huge highlight this week.

Worst moment this month: Had to sacrifice some prac hours last week because Archer’s been pretty sick. We’ve been to the doctors twice, and he spent the last 5 days sleeping, cuddling, and coughing. The extra sleep and cuddles have actually been nice, but we hate seeing him so miserable. He’s finally feeling better, but now J and I are beginning to show symptoms – ick!

Miss Anything? beer, my energy, and not feeling dizzy

Movement: it’s actually SUPER frustrating me that I haven’t felt any yet. By this time with Archer, I was starting to feel little movement (felt like popcorn popping). Everyone says you feel your second sooner, so I REALLY expected to have felt this one by now, but nope, nothing. Sometimes i feel like a pressure sort of moves up against one spot of my stomach, like it’s rubbing up against the walls, but I don’t know, I give up – you aren’t your brother, and I accept that.

Food cravings: had a hardcore taco craving the other day, it sort of just went away. Also really loving yoghurt! My appetite is definitely back!

Anything making you queasy or sick: not really

Labor Signs: no

Belly Button in or out? in, but shallower

Wedding rings on or off? on

Symptoms: SO dizzy. I would say 75% of my day is spent light headed. it’s a horrible feeling. It’s improved though, from the 100% of the day in the first trimester. My skin was also SO bad at the start of this month – painful, horrible acne, but that’s finally calmed down as well. All the crappy first tri stuff is starting to back off, and I’m starting to not absolutely hate being pregnant.

Mood: good, but stressed. there’s A LOT to do before we move, and I’m trying to juggle SO many things – prac, Archer, housework, moving, midwife/doctor appointments, scans, etc. Can’t wait to be able to check most of those things off the list in 5 weeks!

Pregnancy dreams? last night I know I had a nightmare, but now I can’t remember what it was, and I know it wasn’t baby related. Still haven’t really dreamt about the baby, since right before I got pregnant; I dreamt of a perfect baby girl with lots of brown hair and blue eyes – we’ll see if it was a premonition in approximately 24 weeks.

Looking forward to: MOVE, baby, MOVE! and prac being done & the move being finished.

Next appointment: gender/morphology scan on June 10th (unless I move it up, like I’m considering since that’s our last week here and it will be NUTS), and then a doc appointment to go over the results on the 12th.

Bonus pictures of sickie Archer in the bath the other morning – the light was really pretty :)

SONY DSC

SONY DSC

12 Weeks

SONY DSC

Baby is the size of a…plum

Maternity clothes? my shorts are definitely tighter around the top now, and around the hips too, but still just wearing a bigger size.

Stretch marks? nope

Sleep: Good, except for having to wake up to pee multiple times a night, and not getting to ‘sleep in’ anymore because of work

Best moment this month: work! I’ve had a great first week. Lots of really interesting people, projects and conversations. Archer has also had good first days. He’s upset when I leave, which is hard, but he settles quickly and just asks about us throughout the day. He’d eating really well and having his normal 2 hour nap, so I’m super relieved.

Worst moment this month: I miss my friends, and I do obviously miss being with my guy during the day – it’s just so weird not knowing what he did, or what he looked like having his lunch or nap.

Miss Anything? beer, sweet nectar of the gods

Movement: I wish, I can’t wait! sometimes i think maybe I feel a little nudge.

Food cravings: balsamic vinegar, and specifically greekish salads (tomatoes, cucumber, fetta) with balsamic. also very very thirsty

Anything making you queasy or sick: asian, like sushi and rice paper rolls. just the thought makes my stomach roll

Labor Signs: no

Belly Button in or out? flat. this belly has just popped right out in the last day and a bit, there’s no hiding it now

Wedding rings on or off? on

Symptoms: I live on a knife edge of nausea and hunger; if I don’t eat as soon as baby wants (which is usually before i even feel hungry) I cross into nausea, dizziness, and crankiness.

Mood: good. it’s so great to be working again. I would have gone back to work part time in the last few months if it hadn’t been for prac coming up – didn’t seem logical to get a job just to have to take 3 months off. But I’m loving using that part of my brain, and getting to talk to people with similar passions and interests.

Pregnancy dreams? can’t remember any of them

Looking forward to: all of the exciting things coming up at work, and feeling baby move.

Next appointment: no idea, still waiting for my appointment to book in to the hospital

Easter

SONY DSC SONY DSC

I have very fond memories of Easter growing up; all the family would gather at my grandparent’s beautiful house (in America) and all of us cousins would crowd around card tables set up in the garage and dye our eggs; the smell of vinegar will always signal easter to me. We would hide inside, banished to a room without windows while our eggs (dyed and plastic, goodie-filled) were hidden, then the epic hunt would begin. For me, Easter is about being together as a family, and doing fun things for the kids, pretty much like every other holiday haha.

SONY DSC SONY DSC SONY DSC SONY DSC

Easter seems to just be chocolate here in Australia, which i actually find funny/odd because it’s SO hot still – the chocolate just melts, doesn’t it? Anyway, my grandparents and dad helped me to do Easter my way by sending egg dying supplies and plastic eggs.

SONY DSC SONY DSC SONY DSC SONY DSC

So yesterday we dyed {hardboiled} eggs – super fun. We coloured them with crayons, then left them to have a “sleep” in their colourful baths; “ecks seeping” says Archer. Then after Archer went to bed, I stuffed plastic eggs with stickers, m&m’s, and little plastic dragons (from one of his favourite movies – How to Train Your Dragon (the sequel, of course)).

SONY DSC SONY DSC SONY DSC SONY DSC

This morning, before it could get too hot, I threw them around the yard – he’s 2, no need to actually hide them – and released the kraken upon the yard. Should really apologise to the neighbours for Archer screaming “ecks!” “find ecks” etc at 8am. Archer had a ball, and became an expert at distinguishing the chocolate filled eggs from the much less exciting sticker/dragon eggs.

SONY DSC SONY DSC SONY DSC

Happy Easter everyone :)

8 Weeks

 

Written 10/03/2015

***SONY DSC

Baby is the size of a…Raspberry

Maternity clothes? nope

Stretch marks? nope

Sleep: I’m so freaking exhausted, there’s not enough sleep in the world.

Best moment this week: talking to Archer about the “bee bee” is always fun

Miss Anything? energy, appetite

Movement: not yet, can’t wait!

Food cravings: I am SO hungry all the time, but literally nothing sounds good, or something does one second, then sounds revolting the next. I’ve been through a potato phase (dripping in butter) (that still sounds appetising), an orange phase, and currently I’m craving fried rice or tortilla chips with guacamole. Note: totally opposite to my sweets only appetite with Archer, this baby wants salt.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Salami, sushi, chocolate – yuck!

Labor Signs: no

Belly Button in or out? in

Wedding rings on or off? on

Symptoms: I have NO energy (makes parenting, studying, wife-ing pretty difficult), and I’m pretty frustrated that I’m unable to contribute or do what I usually do. I also feel nauseous/hungry, and dizzy almost all day. I also feel disgusting – flabby, my skin is breaking out horribly, yet feels grossly dry and oily at the same time, and my hair looks like I’ve bathed in oil within a day of washing it. My skin feels “dull” for lack of a better word, and no matter the scrubbing, continues to feel that way. All of this leads me to believe that this baby is a girl. Could I be wrong? Of course. Would I care? No, another boy would be as thrilling as a girl; I don’t care either way, I’m just leaning towards girl.

Mood: just frustrated by my lack of energy. I honestly don’t have much time to think about even being pregnant; between having a toddler, prac coming up (daycare, prac), moving, and having assignments, I’m too busy to be pregnant.

Pregnancy dreams? I’ve had a few. The baby is ALWAYS a girl.

Looking forward to: prac being over, the move being over, and being able to relax and enjoy being pregnant.

Next appointment: some time this week – need to get around to making that appointment.

Baby Beck Timeline

Written February 28, 2015

***

Archer was confusing because all the home tests were negative, but I had all the symptoms, but once I had a blood test, and then scan, we knew everything pretty much right away. This baby is way more complicated…

I started to think I was pregnant when I was a week late, but I had no symptoms, and my cycle was never regular since getting my rod out in November, so we weren’t sure. I kept taking home tests, but they were negative, but I wasn’t surprised, since I never got one with Archer.

Wednesday 4 February: secretly went to get bloods taken – 1 week late. I took a home test first, but no line came up. I started to get a bit nauseous, but then super hungry, so I started to think it might actually be positive.

Friday 6 February: I told J I was getting bloods taken, but I was really getting the results. I took one home test before leaving for the doctor, but I couldn’t see anything. I was told that my BHCG level was 51, which is positive, but very low. The doctor was a bit hesitant, and the numbers didn’t really line up with my dates, so I left feeling pretty confused and discouraged; I wasn’t sure whether to tell J or not. We came home, and I looked at the test from that morning that was still out on the bench – there was a line! It was so exciting, because I never got that with Archer, and it also meant (to me) that my levels had risen since they were taken on wednesday – so I decided to tell J.

Saturday 7 February: We all headed back to the docs so I could get more bloods drawn.

Monday 9 February: After a weekend of increasing symptoms, I felt pretty confident going to get my results. They were 353, which was enough of an increase to confirm pregnancy, but they indicated I was only 2-3 weeks pregnant as opposed to the 5 that my dates indicated – pretty frustrating. I also mentioned some cramping/pains I was having in my right side, so the doc wanted to get a scan right away to rule out ectopic and get actual dates.

We headed next door to the imaging place, where I hammered water, and was repeatedly taken back to an U/S room to see if they could see anything. After an hour (trying to keep a toddler entertained), some tears (bladder- so full), and 3 attempts, the ultrasound lady finally said she couldn’t see anything but my uterus looked “ripe and juicy” – ewwww! I left feeling incredibly confused, and stressed.

Thursday 12 February: by the time we went back to the doc for results of my scan, I was feeling a lot better. I’d spent the last few days googling, and had discovered that an ultrasound before a BHCG of 1000 is VERY unlikely to be able to see anything, and my level wasn’t even half of that. My first scan with Archer happened at 6+1 with an HCG of over 35,000. So I felt happy when my doctor just suggested we continue to monitor my levels with bloods, until they were high enough to scan again. Confused why my dates are so off, but I’m trying to just ignore that, and wait.

Friday 13 February: more bloods.

Saturday 21 February: more bloods. also the start of “morning” sickness – dizzy, nauseous, miserable.

Monday 23 February: we got the results of the two blood tests, and baby is well and truly stuck in there now. 4,327 on the 13th, and 55,100 on the 21st!

Saturday 28 February: scan! Baby was visible straight away, and is measuring 6weeks 4 days! So we finally have dates – baby is due October 20. Heart was beating at 120bpm, and everything looked good. So exciting! Now we can tell everyone!

Dear Baby

Written 27/11/14, day after taking implanon out

***

Sweet Baby Beck,

Daddy & I have decided that it’s time to add you to our family. 2015 will be a very busy year, but we couldn’t wait any longer – we want you here so badly!

It’s really scary deciding to be parents, and even more so the second time when you know what you’re getting yourself into. It’s such a huge responsibility – a little life – but it is also the most amazing gift. So while we’re scared, we’re also really excited! We already love you so much, and we can’t wait to help you grow into an amazing person.

Our family isn’t complete without you baby, and I hope you’re here with us soon.

Love, Mummy

Dear Baby

I wrote this in May, 2014

***

Dear Baby,

I can’t publish this now, or even probably anytime soon, but I wanted to write it now so that you know that I’m thinking about you.

There are some things (my prac, and Daddy’s transfer) that need to happen before we can add you to our family, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about you, for aching for you. I know that our family isn’t complete, and I can’t wait until we are able to add you.

Your brother is such a joy, and I know that you will be different, but just as fantastic, and I can’t wait to meet you and see what those differences are. Your brother loves babies, and every time that I see him kiss his baby doll, or stare at a baby, I think of you, and I know that he will be a great big brother.

I wonder what you will look like – will you be bald & blue-eyed like your brother, or will you be the monkey that I thought he was going to be!?

You haven’t been created yet, but I wanted you to know that you are thought of, longed for, and above all, loved.

Love, Mummy